Signs your wife wants to reconcile after separation

Why I'm not giving you a list of ten signs

You can find those lists everywhere.

She asks about your day, she lingers at the door, she likes your photo.

My problem with them is every one of those can mean five different things.

And a list like that turns you into a man who's watching her.

You see, any time you turn the gaze towards her you're applying pressure, even if you never say a word.

She can feel a man who's reading her for clues.

What it feels like to be watched

Now think about her side of it.

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you, and being studied is the opposite of safe.

If she texts you something kind and you light up and answer in thirty seconds, she sees that.

Then a warm word from her and you start planning, she sees that too.

So the more you try to read her, the more careful she has to be, and careful is the last thing a woman is when she's starting to open back up.

The good day and the bad day

So she's warm on Monday and you think it's turning around.

Then she's cold on Wednesday and you think it's over.

Both times you let her mood tell you how your week is going.

If your wife looks at you with a blank stare, cold, like the soul has left her, don't take it personal.

And when she's kind, enjoy it, just don't make it mean you're getting closer, and don't play it down because you're scared of false hope either.

Why that tug o war wears you out

Every good day pulls you toward her and every bad one pushes you back.

And you end up in a tug o war with your own hope, where you're only as okay as her last text.

For a lot of guys that's the part that wears them down, more than the separation itself.

A man living that way is hard to be around, even when he's quiet about it.

The only sign you can read for sure

It's you.

Are you the same on her cold days as on her warm ones?

Can she say something that stings without you defending yourself?

Did you get through a whole handoff without asking where things stand?

Those you can check tonight, and they're the ones she's watching.

The small moments that matter more

Think about the last handoff or phone call.

What she said probably matters less than what you did right after.

Did you go home and replay it for an hour?

And then did you text a friend to ask what it meant?

Those are the moments that decide whether she can relax around you, because a man who needs every kind word to mean something is a man she has to be careful with.

Maybe you get your hopes up every time and then crash.

That's the thing to work on, and it's yours to work on whether she's coming back or not.

A steadier version of you shows up the same whether she texts or doesn't.

That's the man she's quietly checking on, and you can start being him before you know a thing about where this is going.

When you catch yourself reading into a smile, just notice it and go on with your day.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you whether she wants to reconcile.

I haven't met her, and a text on a Tuesday doesn't tell either of us.

And even a good sign doesn't mean I can promise where this ends up, because that's hers to decide.

One thing to do this week

So what I want you to do this week is keep a simple log.

Every time you see or talk to her, write down how she was and how you were.

At the end of the week read only your side.

Keep reading

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Also: Is my marriage over or just in a rut.