My wife wants to separate. Should I move out?

Part one is a legal and money question

Moving out can change things with the house, the money and your time with the kids, and how much depends on where you live.

I'm no lawyer and this page can't tell you what the rules are in your state.

So before you pack a bag, talk to a lawyer in your state, a family lawyer, for an hour and find out what moving out means where you live.

That's just knowing the ground you're standing on before you take a step.

Part two is what she's really asking for

Now the marriage part.

When a woman says she wants to separate, most guys hear "she wants me gone".

A lot of the time what she wants gone is the pressure, the tension in the kitchen, the feeling of being watched in her own house.

Which really means a different address doesn't fix it on its own.

If the same man who made her want out shows up at pickup every Friday, she got distance and nothing else.

What it looks like from her side

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you.

So when she asks you to go, it's usually because she doesn't feel safe enough in her own house to think, and she thinks the only way to get that is for you to not be in it.

That doesn't always mean she's done.

But it does mean the house feels heavy to her, and a lot of that weight is the man walking around waiting to see how she is today.

A lot of guys are scared to leave because it would look like giving up.

That makes sense, and it's worth knowing that where you sleep says very little to her about whether you're fighting.

How you act when you're in the room says a lot more.

Don't decide it in the middle of a fight

The worst version of this is the guy who grabs his keys at midnight to prove a point.

Or the guy who refuses to leave to prove a different one.

You see, the worst thing a guy can do is act frantic in any situation, and both of those are frantic.

Women look at men as leaders, and a leader doesn't make a move this big off one bad night.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

Some guys will tell you to never leave the house, because whoever leaves loses.

Others will tell you to give her what she asked for and get out of the way.

Both of those treat this like a chess move, and that's the problem.

Either one can be right or wrong for your house, and the lawyer can help you with the ground rules, but what she's feeling when she looks at you is a separate question that no address answers.

The small moments if you stay

If you're both still in the house, the pressure shows up in tiny ways.

It's how you say good morning, or whether you wait to see if she says it back.

It's you asking where she's going, even in a friendly voice.

And it's the sighing and the doors, the little ways a man tells his wife that he's suffering and she's the one doing it.

She notices every one of them, because a woman who wants distance is watching how much room you give her in a hallway.

What stays the same either way

Whether you end up in the house, the spare room or an apartment across town, she's going to keep running into you.

So the question that matters more than the address is who she runs into.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you whether to stay or go, I don't know your wife and I don't know your state's rules.

And I can't promise that either choice keeps your marriage together, because I can't promise what she does.

If there's any fear for your safety or hers, or drinking, drugs or anything like that in the house, please talk to a licensed professional about that part.

Two things to do this week

Book the hour with the lawyer.

And write down what she'd say she wants space from, in her words.

Keep reading

Back to My wife wants space.

Next: My wife moved out, how do I get her back? and My wife wants space, how long should I give her?.

Also: My wife says she wants a divorce but hasn't filed.