Should I talk to my wife during separation?

Where "no contact" comes from

Now the no contact stuff mostly comes from breakup advice, guys trying to get a girlfriend back.

A marriage is a different animal.

You've got kids, a mortgage, a dog, her mother's birthday on Sunday.

Going dark on your wife while all of that is still running looks a lot like the checked out husband she's been describing for years.

And where "talk every day" goes wrong

The guy who calls every day is usually calling to find out where he stands.

"Have you thought about us?"

"Where's your head at?"

"Are we going to be okay?"

Each of those hands her a job, and she left to put that job down for a while.

Another husband wrote under the same kind of video, "I'm not bringing up the relationship anymore."

What a call feels like to her

Think about what it's like on her end of the line.

A woman who needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you is listening for one thing, whether it's safe to be honest with this man.

If she says she's tired and you hear a problem to fix, that's one answer.

And when she says something hard about you and you start explaining, that's another.

And if every call ends with you asking for a little reassurance, she learns that talking to you costs her something.

So she talks to you less, and you read that as the separation working against you, when really it's the calls.

So it comes down to what you talk about

Talking to her is fine, and with kids and bills you don't have a choice anyway.

What adds the pressure is the relationship talk, the where-are-we conversation she never asked for.

And when she's the one who brings something up, that's a different thing completely.

What she needs then is to be able to tell you exactly what's on her mind without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

That's a lot harder than it sounds.

Why it's hard to do

You see, the pull to ask where you stand is huge when you're hurting.

Every part of you wants to know if there's a chance.

So a lot of men say they're only checking in, and the check in is really a question about the relationship dressed up as small talk.

She knows the difference, because she's felt it for months.

The pull to ask comes from your own fear, so the work is catching it before it turns into words.

The small moments on the phone

Here's how it looks on a normal Tuesday.

She calls about the kids' schedule, and you answer the question and then ask, just casually, how she's been feeling.

That second question is where it turns, because it opens a door she didn't knock on.

Maybe you want to keep talking because the silence is killing you.

I get that, and it's the silence that's the problem, because you're asking her to fill it.

If you can end a call and be okay in the quiet that follows, you're a different man to talk to than the one who needs the call to feel better.

Women pick up on that, even when they never say it.

When she wants to talk about it

Now and then she'll be the one who opens the heavy stuff.

That's her telling you it's safe enough to try, so don't turn it into a debate about who said what in 2019.

Let her say it, take it in, and resist the urge to fix it or defend yourself.

You can say you heard her and leave it there.

What I can't promise

I can't promise that talking this way brings her home.

I don't know your wife, and I can't promise what she does.

You'll be a lot easier to be around though, and she'll notice who's on the other end of the phone.

One thing to do tonight

So what I want you to do today is look at your last five conversations with her.

How many did you turn into a talk about the two of you?

Keep reading

Back to My wife wants space.

Next: My wife wants space, should I text her? and Signs your wife wants to reconcile after separation.

Also: What to say to your wife when she wants to leave you.