My wife wants space. What do I do?

What she means when she says "space"

Now most guys hear "I need space" and think it's about distance.

Like if you just stay out of the room long enough she'll come back around.

And honestly that's understandable, because you've definitely heard it from everywhere...

A buddy, maybe your therapist or maybe some YouTube channel... really probably all three.

"Just give her space."

But what she's really asking for is a break from the pressure.

You see, by the time a woman asks for space she has usually felt alone in the marriage for a long time.

So when you look at her waiting to see if she's warming up, or you send the "are we okay?" text, she feels all of it.

Which really means the space she wants is space from being watched and waited on.

The two things most men do

Most men go one of two ways when they hear it.

The first guy chases.

He does more chores, he's nicer, he buys the flowers, he sends the long text at 11pm about how much he's changed.

To him that's fighting for his marriage.

But to his wife this looks worse than you think, because all of it is wanting something FROM her.

The second guy disappears.

He goes quiet, gets cold, stops asking about her day and tells himself he's "respecting her wishes".

And to her that looks like the same guy who checked out years ago (which is probably why she asked for space in the first place).

I'm going to be real, I did the first one.

I thought I was pulling my wife towards me the whole time when I was really pushing her away.

So what do you do with that?

There's a third way to handle it, and it starts with you, long before you count the days or the texts.

It comes down to who she runs into when she does see you.

A man who's steady whether she's warm or cold that day, and who she can say anything to without him getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

You see, a woman needs to feel safe before she can feel anything else for you, that's just her nature and you can't get around it.

Now I can't promise you what she'll do with that.

Nobody can, and anybody who does is selling you something.

But you'll stop adding pressure, and you'll see what you're really dealing with.

Find the one that sounds like your house

Every guy's version of "space" is a little different, so start with yours.

And if it's gone past space...

If she's already said the word divorce, go to She said she wants a divorce.

If she's still in the house but cold and done talking, go to She's distant, checked out, done.

If you're already looking at getting help, here's the programs husbands use.

One thing to do tonight

So I want you to right now write down where you think you're putting pressure on your wife.

Actually make two columns.

On the left side write down where you can see the pressure.

On the right side write down how you can shift it and focus on something you can do.