My wife moved out. How do I get her back?

"How do I get her back" is the wrong place to start

Most men ask how do I get it back.

Really at the core of it you should be asking what happened in the first place to lose it.

Because she didn't move out over one argument.

Normally there's a slow burn, years of her saying things that didn't get heard, and the move is just the day it showed.

What it looks like from her side

Now a woman needs to feel emotionally safe with a man before she can feel anything else for him.

By the time she packs a bag she's usually been feeling unsafe for a long time, and not because of anything dramatic.

It's the little stuff, being talked over, having to explain herself twice, watching you get defensive when she brought something up.

So the new place is her trying to feel quiet inside for the first time in a while.

And a man showing up with a plan to win her back is one more thing she has to manage in the one place that was supposed to be calm.

What most men do once she's gone

Whether it's showing up at her place with flowers

Whether it's the long messages about how different things will be

Whether it's getting her mom, her friends or the kids to put in a good word

To you that's fighting for her.

To her it's the same pressure she moved out to get away from, it just followed her to the new address.

And please keep the kids out of it, they aren't messengers.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

You'll hear "give her space and she'll miss you".

You'll also hear "show her you're serious with a big gesture".

A lot of guys try both in the same month, and the only thing either one does is make them feel like they're doing something.

That's what both have in common, they're about you getting relief from the waiting.

She isn't looking for a gesture, she's looking for whether anything about the man is different.

You have fewer moments now

With her out of the house you might see her for ten minutes at a handoff or hear her voice on a two minute call.

So each one of those carries more weight than a whole week used to.

She's checking one thing in those ten minutes, whether she's talking to the same guy.

A man who's steady whether she's warm or cold that day reads very different from a man who's hunting for a sign.

The small moments at the handoff

Think about the kid handoff in the driveway, or the porch.

You've got maybe a minute and a half, and everything in you wants to use it.

So you stretch it out, you ask how she's doing in a way that wants a real answer, you hold the door a second too long.

She feels all of it, and the way she feels it is that this is what it's like to have a man who wants her to take care of him.

A steady man says what needs saying, is warm, and lets her go.

That's all, and it's a lot harder than it sounds.

You see, every minute you hold onto is a minute she has to find a way to end, and that's one more small job you handed her.

The man who can say goodbye easily at the door is the one she starts to feel safe around again.

What I won't tell you

I won't tell you she's coming back, I don't know that and neither does anybody selling you a guarantee.

What you can do is stop being the reason she needs the distance.

If money, the house or the kids are part of this, talk to a lawyer in your state about those, because that's their job and not mine.

One thing to do tonight

So what I want you to do today is write down the last three times you saw or talked to her.

Next to each one, write what you wanted from her in that moment.

Keep reading

Back to My wife wants space.

Next: My wife wants to separate, should I move out? and Signs your wife wants to reconcile after separation.

Also: I took my wife for granted and she left me.