Is my marriage over?

Why the signs lists don't help

Now most guys go looking for signs.

Ten signs she's done, seven signs she still loves you.

And honestly I understand it, you want something solid to stand on.

But you'll find three signs from each list in your house, and then you're right back where you started.

You see, those lists are trying to read her mind from the outside.

And what's in her mind can change, which is the part no list can cover.

What you can know tonight

You can know how you've been showing up.

That means whether she's able to say what's on her mind without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying, and how much pressure you've been putting on her.

Those are facts, and they're yours.

Why the question itself is pressure

There's something else going on with this question.

When a man needs to know if it's over, he starts watching his wife for the answer.

Every look, every text, every sigh gets read like a weather report.

And she can feel herself being watched.

Which really means the question you can't stop asking is adding to the thing pushing her away.

The worst thing a guy can do is act frantic, and needing an answer right now is frantic.

A better question

Okay, so ask yourself this one.

"Who am I going to be while I don't know?"

That one has an answer, and you can start on it tomorrow morning.

Now I can't promise you that being that man keeps your marriage together.

But you'll be able to look at yourself whichever way it goes.

Find the one that sounds like you

If she's asked for space or moved out, go to My wife wants space.

If you're asking because you know you neglected her, go to I neglected her, is it too late?.

And if you're deciding what kind of help to get, here's a book vs counseling vs coaching.

One thing to do tonight

So write down the question you most want answered about your marriage.

Under it write who could really answer it.

If the answer is "only her", put the pen down and write what you can do this week that's yours.