My wife doesn't know what she wants

What "I don't know" usually is

Okay, so I'm going to say something that might surprise you.

A lot of the time, "I don't know" is true.

She isn't dodging you, and she isn't holding the answer back to punish you.

She may really be in the middle of it too.

I've had men tell me their wife said she's checked out of the relationship, but not completely checked out.

That's a hard sentence to hear, because it gives you nothing to hold onto.

But it's also what a person sounds like when they haven't settled anywhere yet.

What it looks like from her side

Now a woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you, including clarity.

If she doesn't feel safe, her head is full of noise.

She's tired, she's got years of stuff in there, and she's looking at the same man who is asking her to hurry up and decide.

Think about being asked "so are we still a couple?" while you're still trying to work out how you feel.

Every time you ask, she has to go find an answer she doesn't have yet.

And when she can't find one, she feels like she let you down, so now there's guilt on top of the confusion.

You see, it's hard to get clear when someone is waiting on you for the answer.

Why your asking is pressure

This is the part most men miss.

You ask because you're scared, and that makes total sense.

But from her side it's pressure, and it's wanting something FROM her, which is a decision she doesn't have.

One man told my team that even when he asks if they're still a couple, she says she needs time.

And then he asks again a few days later.

Each time the question goes in, it makes the answer more likely to be no.

That's no sign she's cold, since a person pushed for a decision tends to take the one that ends the pushing.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

Needing the answer is the same pull, just quieter.

What men try first

Most guys try to help her figure it out.

They send the long message, share the article, or set up the big talk where they lay out what they've changed.

Others check in every day to see where her head is at.

And some go the other direction and give her a ton of space, then sit in the other room and wait.

That one feels respectful, but she can feel you waiting, and waiting is watching with the lights off.

Then there's the advice to give her an ultimatum, so she has to choose.

That treats her confusion like stubbornness, when it's usually something she hasn't worked out yet.

None of these is a bad guy doing a bad thing, they're all a scared man trying to get relief.

The small moments at home

This shows up at the dinner table and in the hallway.

It's reading her face to guess which wife you're getting today.

It's a text you've written and rewritten, and you stare at it, and you don't send it.

It's lying in bed doing math on what she said last Tuesday.

And all of that is you holding the rope tighter, while she can feel the rope.

What you can work on while she's figuring it out

I'm not going to hand you a list of steps.

I'll give you the idea, and the idea is that her confusion stops being your job to solve.

Your job is to be a man she can be confused around without it costing her anything.

That means she can say "I don't know" and nothing bad happens to her.

You don't get defensive, you don't explain, you don't ask again tomorrow.

That's what safety looks like to a wife who's unsure, and it's the thing you can build.

If money, moving out or custody has come up, talk to a lawyer in your state, because that part has its own rules.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you what her "I don't know" means for your marriage.

It might turn into a yes and it might turn into a no, and anyone who says they can read it is guessing.

I can't promise what she decides.

One thing to do tonight

So write down how many times you've asked her some version of "where do we stand" in the last month.

Next to it write what you were feeling just before each one.

That feeling is the thing to work on, and it's yours.

Keep reading

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Next: Is my marriage over or just in a rut? and How do I know if I can save my marriage?.

Also: My wife loves me but is not in love with me.