Is my marriage over or just in a rut?

What a rut usually looks like

Okay, so in a rut you're both bored and both a little sad about it.

You're busy, you're tired, and the marriage went to the bottom of the list.

But she still tells you things.

She still gets annoyed at you, still asks about your day, still makes plans that have you in them.

What the other thing looks like

When it's more than a rut, she's stopped bringing you anything.

She's polite and far away, her plans don't include you, and she doesn't get mad anymore because she's quit expecting anything.

You see, the difference is whether she's still trying to reach you.

A bored wife still reaches for you now and then, and a wife who's leaving has stopped.

What husbands usually miss

Now most guys call it a rut for a long time after it stopped being one.

Because a rut is comfortable.

Nothing is on fire, so we figure we'll deal with it after the busy season.

And honestly the busy season never ends.

So she waits, and the waiting is where a rut turns into something else.

You don't need the answer to act

I'm going to be real, I can't tell you which one you're in.

And you don't need to know.

Whichever it is, you start in the same place.

Get interested in her again, and be someone she can say what's on her mind to without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

If it's a rut, that pulls you both out.

And when it's more than a rut, it's still the only thing that was ever going to help.

That's wanting something FOR her, which is her feeling safe again, and not wanting something FROM her, like an answer on whether you're okay.

What it looks like from her side

Now a woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you.

Warm, close, interested, all of it sits on top of that.

So when she goes flat on you, she may not be bored at all.

She may have quietly stopped feeling safe saying what's on her mind.

I've had men tell me their wife said she just doesn't feel safe.

And a husband hears that and thinks it's about danger, when for most of us it's about what happens after she says something real.

We get defensive, we explain, we justify, and she learns that bringing you anything costs her.

So she stops bringing it, and from where you're standing that looks like a rut.

What men try first

Okay, so the first thing most guys do is plan something.

A weekend away, a date night, a big gesture.

And I get it, we want to fix what we can see.

But a trip doesn't touch the part she's actually missing.

She can have a nice dinner and still go home feeling like nobody is listening to her.

Then the guy sees it didn't work, and he feels like he tried, and now there's a little more distance than before.

Other men go quiet and give her space.

Which sounds respectful, but a wife in a rut and a wife who's pulling away both read silence the same way, like you've stopped reaching too.

You see, "just give her space" and "do something nice" both skip the same question, which is whether she feels safe enough to tell you the truth.

The small moments at home

This shows up in small stuff.

It's the same "good morning, how's your day" every day, and it feels like blah, and you're not sure if you should let it go.

Maybe she turns over to her book at night, looking the other way.

One man told my team he felt like a fun roommate to her now.

It's you coming home, going straight to the shower, and not doing the things you used to do when you walked in the door.

None of those is proof of anything.

But they're where the answer to your question lives, much more than in any list of signs.

Why the question keeps you stuck

There's another thing I want you to see.

When you can't tell if it's a rut or the end, you start watching her.

You study her face at dinner and you read her texts for tone.

I remember when my wife said she wasn't attracted to me any more and wasn't in love with me, I felt like a ghost floating from thing to thing week after week.

A man in that spot watches everything and does nothing, and she can feel being watched.

That watching is pressure, and pressure is what turns a quiet house into a cold one.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you it's just a rut.

I'd be guessing, and you deserve better than a guess.

One thing to do tonight

So write down the last thing she told you that had nothing to do with the kids or the house.

If you can't think of one, you have your answer about where to start.

Keep reading

Back to Is my marriage over?.

Next: How do I know if I can save my marriage?.

Also: How to reconnect with your wife after a roommate stage.