How to reconnect with your wife after a roommate stage

How couples get here

Now most guys can't point to when it started.

That's because it's a slow burn.

Kids came, work got heavy, and the two of you got efficient.

You see, efficient is the problem.

You stopped asking each other anything that didn't have a task attached.

And honestly she probably noticed years before you did.

Why date night doesn't fix it

So the usual advice is date night.

And you go, and you sit across from each other, and you talk about the kids.

Then you drive home and nothing's different.

It's because the roommate stage is about what she can bring you, and where you eat has very little to do with it.

If she doesn't feel like she can say what's on her mind without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying, she'll keep it to logistics at a nice restaurant too.

What it looks like from her side

Now the roommate stage looks quiet from where you sit.

From where she sits it looks lonely.

She's in the same room as you and she's carrying her whole inner world by herself.

You see, a woman needs to feel safe before she can feel anything else for you, and that includes feeling close.

So when she brings you something real and it gets fixed, defended or dropped, she learns to bring you the grocery list.

And the grocery list is safe.

Nobody gets defensive about the grocery list.

Which really means the logistics talk is her way of staying in the house without getting hurt in it.

The small moments at home

Here's where you'll see it.

You pass each other in the hallway and nobody looks up.

You're on your phones on the same couch for the whole evening.

One of you goes to bed first, and it's on purpose.

It can feel like living with a coworker.

Those little moments add up to a marriage that runs fine and says nothing.

And the two of you stop noticing, because noticing hurts.

What men try first

Most men try to fix it with a big move.

A weekend away, a talk at the kitchen table, a long text about how much they miss her.

And honestly I get it, you want it fixed.

But a big move says the problem is big, and it hands her a big thing to respond to.

If she's guarded she'll respond the way she responds to everything now, politely.

Then you take the polite answer as a no and either go quiet or push harder.

That's the tug o war, and she's tired of it before it starts.

So the small and steady usually beats the big and loud.

Why it stays quiet so long

Now the reason nobody says anything is that nothing is on fire.

There's no fight to point at, so there's nothing to fix.

You tell yourself it's just a busy season.

She tells herself the same thing, because the other story is a scary one.

And a woman who feels unsafe saying the real thing will keep saying the easy thing for a very long time.

Which really means the quiet is two people waiting for the other one to go first.

Where you start

Okay, so start with interest.

Ask her something that has no task attached to it.

What's been on her mind, what she misses, what she's sick of.

Then listen to the answer.

Most men stay surface level and parrot it back or fix it.

She's finding out if you can hear her.

Don't make it a campaign

I'm going to be real, don't turn this into a project with a deadline.

If you get interested for two weeks and then ask "so are we better?", she'll know it was wanting something FROM her.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you she meets you halfway.

She may be guarded for a while, and she may like the quiet.

One thing to do tonight

So tonight ask her one question that isn't about the kids, the house or the calendar.

Then write down what she said.

Ask one follow-up about it later in the week.

Keep reading

Back to No affection, living like roommates.

Next: My wife pulls away when I touch her and How to reconnect with my wife emotionally.

Also: My wife loves me but is not in love with me.