My wife and I sleep in separate rooms

Why the bed is the loudest room in the house

Okay, so let's start with why it's the bed.

A lot of couples can run a house together for years and never say a hard word.

But the bed is where there's nowhere to hide, so it's where everything shows up first.

You see, a woman needs to feel safe before she can feel anything else for you.

And for her the bed is the place she feels the most pressure.

It's the one spot where, if things are tense, she knows what you might be hoping for.

So a lot of the time the separate room is her way of getting out from under that pressure.

What it can look like at home

Now it doesn't always start with a door.

Sometimes it starts with a reason that sounds fair.

I've had men tell me it started with snoring.

A reason like that can be true and still end up doing a second job.

Other times she's still in the bed, but she's got her own blanket on top of the comforter you used to share.

Or she's moved to the other end of the house and you've quit asking.

Every one of those is a way of putting distance in a place where it won't start a fight.

What she may be feeling

Okay, so try to picture her side of it.

She's lying there, and the day with you hasn't felt safe.

Maybe she said what's on her mind and got defensiveness back, or over explaining, or justifying.

Maybe she's stopped saying anything at all.

Either way her body isn't going to relax next to a man she doesn't feel safe with.

And she may not have words for it, she just knows she sleeps better down the hall.

I can't tell you that's your wife, and she may have reasons I can't see.

What men try first

Most men go one of three ways.

The first guy asks to come back, and keeps asking, and every ask is a little more pressure.

The second guy stays on the couch as a protest and waits for her to feel bad about it.

The third guy says it's no big deal and starts acting like he likes it.

And honestly I get all three, because they're all ways of handling the sting.

But each one is wanting something FROM her, and in the bed that's exactly what she's trying to get away from.

I'm not going to give you a way back into the bedroom.

Because the second a man has a plan for getting back in, she can feel the plan.

Where a husband starts

So you start where it's safe for her, and that's out in the daylight.

It's whether she can say what's on her mind without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

And it's you staying steady on the hard days, including the ones when you're lying on that couch.

When she feels safe with you in the daytime, the night stops being such a loaded question.

Now I'd never promise you that, but I do know pushing on the night keeps it loaded.

And a man who can stay easy about it, with no face and no sighs, is a man she can start to feel a little safer around.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you why she moved out of the room, and it may have nothing to do with you.

Snoring, bad sleep, pain or a health issue are real, and a doctor is who can help with those.

And I can't promise she comes back to the bed.

If you're thinking about moving out, or anything with money, the house or the kids, talk to a lawyer in your state first.

And if you're feeling low out there on the couch, a licensed professional is worth talking to.

One thing to do tonight

So write down what you do in the last ten minutes before you go to the couch.

What you say, what your face is doing, and what you're hoping she'll do.

That part is yours to change.

Keep reading

Back to No affection, living like roommates.

Next: My wife pulls away when I touch her and How to reconnect with your wife after a roommate stage.

Also: My wife has emotionally checked out.