You know you need help.
You just don't know which kind.
So you're going back and forth between ordering a book, calling a counselor and looking at coaching.
I'm an author and a coach, so I'm on two of the three sides here, and I'll tell you where each one is the wrong choice.
A book
A book is the cheapest and fastest place to start.
You can order it tonight, read it alone and nobody has to agree to anything.
You get ideas and a look at your own part.
What it can't do is watch you and tell you what you're doing.
Most guys read three, underline half and then act the same way at dinner.
A book fits you if you've never read anything on marriage, if money's tight, or if you want to understand before you talk to anyone.
Mine is The Heroic Husband, and the rest are on the list of the 10 best marriage books for men.
Counseling
A marriage counselor or therapist is a licensed professional.
They can treat things like depression, trauma and addiction, and they're trained to work with a couple in the room.
Most of the time it's weekly, and it works best when both of you want to be there.
What it can't do is help much if she won't come and you're only going to say you went.
Counseling fits you if she's willing to go, or if there's anything heavy in the house.
And if there's violence, addiction or anyone at risk of harm, it's the only one of the three to start with.
Coaching
A coach isn't licensed and doesn't diagnose or treat anything.
The work is on what you do, usually with the husband only.
So it doesn't need her to take part.
What it can't do is replace a therapist, or promise you what she'll decide.
Coaching fits you if she won't go to counseling, you've read the books, and you still can't see what you're doing wrong.
That's the work I do with husbands, and other coaches and programs are on the list of marriage programs husbands use.
Side by side
- Who has to be there: a book needs only you, counseling usually wants both of you, coaching needs only you.
- How fast you can start: a book tonight, counseling when you get an appointment, coaching when you sign up.
- What it works on: a book gives you ideas, counseling works on the two of you and on mental health, coaching works on your behavior.
- What none of them do: make her want the marriage.
How to choose
Okay, so here's how I'd think about it.
If you haven't read anything yet, start with one book.
If she'll go with you, try counseling.
If she won't and you've read plenty, look at coaching.
And nothing says you have to pick only one.
Keep going
To see who's behind the books and programs, here are the top 10 marriage authors for men.
The book pages are under Books for husbands, and counseling and coaching are covered in Counseling and coaching.
Remember it's NEVER too late,
Noah