My wife pulls away when I touch her

What the flinch usually means

Okay, so I can't see inside your wife.

What I see a lot is touch that has turned into a question.

Every hug, every hand on her back, she's wondering what comes next.

Is this going somewhere, is he going to be hurt if I don't respond?

So her body answers before she's thought about it.

You see, a woman needs to feel safe before she can ever feel desire, that's just her nature.

And if things have been tense between you for a long time, her guard is up even when you mean nothing by it.

Why reaching more backfires

Now most guys respond by trying again.

And again the next day.

To you that's not giving up on her.

To her it's proof that you aren't reading her.

Which really means each attempt makes the next flinch faster.

What we do with the hurt

And then there's what happens after the flinch.

The sigh, the "fine", the rolling over.

I get it, rejection hurts.

But she feels every bit of that, and now touch means she either gives in or deals with your mood.

That's a bad choice to hand someone you love.

What it looks like from her side

Okay, so try to see it from where she's standing.

She's in the kitchen, she's tired, and she feels you come up behind her.

Before you've done anything, she's already running through what this might turn into.

Is this a hug, or is this the start of something she'll have to turn down again?

And she's worn out from turning things down, because every no seems to cost her a mood from you.

So she goes stiff, and mostly she's just trying to get through the moment without a scene.

You see, a woman's body is the last place she relaxes, and it only relaxes where it feels safe.

When a house has had a lot of pressure in it, the pressure shows up in her shoulders first.

What men try first

A lot of guys have tried everything.

More hugs, more compliments, flowers, doing more around the house, and some of them have asked her straight out why she doesn't want to be touched anymore.

Now none of that is wrong on its face.

But all of it has one thing in common, and it's that the man is hoping for a certain answer back.

A hug with a hope hidden in it is still wanting something FROM her, and she can feel the hope the same way you'd feel someone watching you open a gift to see if you like it.

Then there's the advice to just give her space.

Honestly that one fails too, because space with a sulk in it doesn't feel like space to her.

She can feel you waiting in the next room.

Which really means the space has to be real, and it can't come with a scoreboard behind it.

The tug o war

Now this is the one that took me a long time to see.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

That's the tug o war, and the harder one side pulls the harder the other side pulls back.

Pulling feels like love from your end of the rope.

From her end it feels like being dragged.

So when you let go of the rope she doesn't come running.

But a slack rope is where talking can start, and talking is where she finds out whether it's safe.

What to do first

So for now, take the question out of your touch.

A no is a no, and it gets respected without a face.

Put your effort into the talking side, where she can say what's on her mind without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you why your wife flinches, and there may be things in her past or her health that have nothing to do with you.

If you think that's possible, a counselor or doctor is who can help her.

And I can't promise the warmth comes back.

One thing to do tonight

So write down what you do in the ten seconds after she pulls away.

Your face, your words, where you go.

That ten seconds is the part you can change this week.

Keep reading

Back to No affection, living like roommates.

Next: How to reconnect with your wife after a roommate stage and How to reconnect with my wife emotionally.

Also: My wife says she doesn't feel emotionally safe.