My wife says she doesn't feel emotionally safe with me

The two kinds of safe

You see, most of us focus on the "lower level" needs of a relationship, which is to provide and protect.

Locks on the doors, money in the bank, nobody messes with your family.

And you've probably done that well.

But that's not what she's talking about.

What she's really talking about is emotional safety.

What emotional safety is

Emotional safety is her being able to say what's on her mind without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

So think about what happens when she brings up something you did.

Do you explain why you did it?

Does your voice change, do you bring up something she did, do you go quiet for two days?

Any of those teach her that telling you the truth costs something.

And after enough of that she stops telling you.

Why it comes before everything else

A woman needs to feel safe before she can feel desire or closeness, that's just her nature and you can't get around it.

Which really means the distance, the cold bed and the short answers can all trace back to this one thing.

It's why being nicer and doing more chores hasn't moved anything.

What to do with it

So you need to true active listen.

Most just stay surface level and parrot back what she's saying, but you need to go deeper.

Let her finish, and stay calm when it's about you.

What it looks like from her side

Okay, so here's what it's like on her end.

Every time she's about to bring something up, she runs a quick check in her head.

How's his mood, how tired is he, what's it going to cost me this time?

Most of the time she decides it's cheaper to say nothing.

That's what unsafe feels like to a wife, and from your side of the room it looks like she's fine.

You see, she isn't afraid of you the way a movie would show it.

She's just learned which parts of her you can't handle, and she's stopped showing them to you.

What men try first and why it backfires

Now when a man hears this, he usually goes one of two ways.

He gets defensive and lists everything he's done for her, the house, the bills, the years of showing up.

Or he goes quiet and starts agreeing with everything so she'll stop being upset.

One man told my team his wife said she doesn't feel safe, and he couldn't see why.

The first way proves her point, because she just tried to tell you something true and got a speech back.

The second way is tricky, because she can tell you're agreeing to keep the peace, and a man who's scared of her isn't someone she can lean on.

Buying her something or planning a nice dinner doesn't touch it either, because the dinner was never what she was missing.

The small moments at home

This stuff lives in tiny places.

She tells you the neighbor was rude, and you say "well maybe you took it wrong".

She brings up how you spoke to the kids, and your voice goes flat.

She says "can we talk?" and you feel your whole body get ready for a fight.

She can see all of that happen in about two seconds, and she files it away.

After a few hundred of those she just stops asking.

Why "I'd never hurt you" doesn't answer it

A lot of men reach for "I would never hurt you" or "I'd die for you".

And I believe you.

But that answers the question about physical safety, and she was asking about the other kind.

It's the lower level stuff again, protect and provide, and you've been doing that part right the whole time.

What she's asking is whether she can say what's on her mind and still be okay with you afterwards.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you how long it takes her to feel safe again, or that she will.

And if she means she's physically afraid of you, that's a different thing and it needs professional help right away.

One thing to do tonight

So write down the last three times she criticized you.

Next to each one write the first thing you said back.

That list is what unsafe has looked like from her side.

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