My wife hates me but I love her

Why "but I love you" isn't working

Now most guys answer her anger with love.

"I love you", "I'd do anything for you", "you're my whole world".

And to you that's the truest thing you can say.

But to your wife it can sound like you're talking about your feelings again when she's trying to tell you about hers.

You see, she isn't questioning whether you love her.

She's telling you what it's been like to be married to you.

What's under the word hate

I can't see inside your wife.

What I can tell you is that people don't usually stay this angry at someone they feel nothing for.

Normally there is a slow burn and a cut behind it, and what looks like hate is often a lot of hurt that never got treated.

That doesn't make it any easier to stand in front of.

What your love can look like right now

Okay, so if you love her, love her in a way she can feel.

Right now that's being someone she can be angry at without it turning into a fight.

It's staying grounded when she says something sharp.

And it's wanting something FOR her, which is for her to finally be heard, more than wanting something FROM her, which is for her to stop being mad.

What it looks like from her side

Okay, so try to see the same house through her eyes.

She's angry, and she can see you're hurting too, and that makes it even harder to say what's real.

Because the second she says something true about you, she has to watch it hit your face.

So she gets sharper, since sharp is easier than sad.

You see, a woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can open up to you.

And a man who answers every bit of her anger with how much he loves her is asking her to look after his feelings right when she needs somebody to look after hers.

What men try first and why it backfires

Now the first thing most of us do is say it more.

"I love you", "I'd do anything", "I'm not going anywhere".

Then we do more, we bring flowers, we text her at work, we follow her from room to room to try to get one good word out of her.

One man told my team he went on pleading and telling her he'd change.

And I get why, because when you love someone and they're pulling away, you chase.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

The chasing feels like love to you, and to her it feels like one more person who needs something from her.

The small moments at home

It shows up in how the house goes quiet.

You say "I love you" on your way out the door and get nothing back, so you carry it around all day.

You sit in the driveway a few extra minutes before you go in.

You watch her face for what kind of night it's going to be.

And she can feel you watching.

That's a lot of pressure for a woman to walk into at the end of her day.

Why "she's just angry, give it time" doesn't fit

Some people will tell you to wait it out.

Waiting is fine, but waiting while you keep chasing her with "I love you" isn't waiting at all.

What helps is you getting steady enough that her anger doesn't knock you over.

A man who can stay calm in front of her hate gives her something to lean on, and women look at men as leaders.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you she stops being angry, or what she feels when the anger is gone.

And if it has ever gone past words in your house, on either side, that's a safety issue and it needs real help today, before anything on this page.

One thing to do tonight

So write down what you want from her when you say "I love you".

A hug, an "I love you too", a break from the cold?

Then try going one week without saying it to get something back.

Keep reading

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Also: My wife hates me and wants a divorce.