My wife loves me but is not in love with me

The two kinds she's talking about

Okay, so the first "love" is the kind you have for family.

She cares what happens to you, she'd show up at the hospital, she wants you to be okay.

The second one is being drawn to you.

Wanting to be near you, wanting to tell you things, wanting you.

And the second one is what's gone quiet.

Where it went

Now most guys think it faded because of time, kids or age.

Those play a part.

But usually it got buried under years of her not feeling safe to be herself with you.

You see, when a woman has to watch what she says around her husband, she starts treating him like someone to be managed.

And it's very hard to be in love with someone you're managing.

What it looks like from her side

I can't see inside your wife, so take this as what I've seen in how women tend to work.

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else toward her husband.

I mean being able to say what's on her mind without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

When that's there, closeness grows on its own and she wants to be near you without being asked.

When it's missing, she gets careful.

She picks her words, she picks her moments, and she decides which things are worth bringing up and which will just start a fight.

All that picking is work.

After a few years of it she's tired in a way a weekend away doesn't fix.

So "I'm not in love with you" can be the one honest thing she has left to say after carrying the weight of the house's mood by herself for a long time.

The small moments at home

Now this usually shows up long before the sentence does.

I've had men tell me the kisses have turned very, very cold, just like a peck.

She stops telling you about her day.

She answers with one word, or she waits until you've left the room to say what she really thinks.

She sits at the other end of the couch and you tell yourself she's just tired.

None of that is meant to hurt you.

It's what a tired heart does when it isn't sure the man in front of it is safe to open up to.

What makes it worse

So you hear this and you want her to feel it again right now.

You ask "what can I do?" every night, you get extra affectionate, you want to talk about the two of you all the time.

To her that's pressure on the exact thing that can't be forced.

Which really means the more you chase the feeling, the more she has to defend the fact that it isn't there.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

You'll hear "buy her flowers" and "happy wife happy life."

Flowers on top of this tell her you'd like the subject closed.

And "happy wife happy life" is about keeping her pleased, which is just managing her again from the other side.

Then there's "give her space."

That one is closer, but if space turns into you vanishing or going cold, she reads it as one more thing she has to deal with.

What she's asking for is to be heard, and that takes a calm man who can hear something hard without needing it fixed.

What she said that's good

She said she loves you.

Don't skip over that.

She cares enough to tell you the truth, and plenty of wives never do.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you the second kind comes back.

I can tell you it won't come back because you asked for it.

One thing to do tonight

So write down what you're like to talk to when she disagrees with you.

Be honest.

If you can't tell, think about the last time she did and what happened to your voice.

Keep reading

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Also: How to reconnect with your wife after a roommate stage.