My wife says she has no feelings for me anymore

What numb usually is

Okay, so I can't see inside your wife.

What I can tell you is that numb is very often what's left after someone has felt too much for too long.

Normally there is a slow burn and a cut that has caused bleeding in the marriage.

She was hurt, then angry, then tired.

And at some point feeling nothing was easier than feeling any of that.

Which really means "no feelings" can be a wall, and what's behind it is something she doesn't want to touch right now.

Why it scares us more than anger

Anger gives you something to push against.

You can argue with it, apologize to it, wait for it to cool off.

With numb there's nothing to hold on to, so most men either poke at it to get any reaction or they give up.

Both of those tell her the same thing, that you need her to feel something so you can feel okay.

One man told my team his wife said "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" and he asked what that even means.

I think that's the question under all of this.

You want it to mean something you can work with, and flat is hard to work with.

What it looks like from her side

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel desire or closeness, that's just her nature.

If she's been hurt and then hurt again, and each time she tried to say so it went badly, she learns to stop bringing it up.

Then she stops hoping anything will change.

Then one day you ask how she feels and there's just nothing there.

She isn't hiding a feeling from you.

She's stopped reaching for any of them around you, because reaching was never safe.

The small moments at home

This is where you'll see it.

She's polite, she's helpful, and she's somewhere else.

You touch her shoulder and she lets it happen, like a coat on a hook.

Maybe the kisses have gone cold, just a peck.

You can lose a whole evening trying to read that look on her face.

And the more you read it, the more she feels read.

What to do first

So the first thing is to stop asking her to feel.

No "do you feel anything at all?", no "what about when we went to the lake?".

Every one of those is a test she has to fail out loud.

Then pay attention to yourself.

How you talk, how you listen, whether the house is calmer when you walk in or more tense.

I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

What men try first

Now a lot of guys try everything to get a reaction out of their wife.

They bring up old trips, they cry, they get loud, and some go silent for a week to see if she'll notice.

All of it is a way of asking her to feel something so you can stop hurting.

I understand it, and to her it feels like one more demand.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

People will tell you to give her space, or to show her what she's missing.

Space with you hovering at the edge of it isn't space.

And showing her what she's missing is a grand gesture, which to a numb wife looks like one more thing she has to respond to.

Steadiness works slower, and it works on you first.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you there's something behind the wall.

There may be, and she may truly be finished.

And if she seems flat about everything in her life, that's worth a gentle word about seeing a doctor.

If there's any abuse, addiction or talk of self harm in your house, please see a licensed professional about that right away.

One thing to do tonight

So write down every way you've asked her to prove she still feels something.

Count them.

That number is how much pressure she's been under.

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Next: My wife has fallen out of love with me, now what? and Can I make my wife fall in love with me again?.

Also: My wife has emotionally checked out.