Can I make my wife fall in love with me again?

Why "make" is the problem

Now most guys go at this like a project at work.

Find the steps, do them well, get the result.

And honestly that works for almost everything else in a man's life.

But the second you're trying to make her feel something, you're wanting something FROM her.

She can feel it in every nice thing you do.

Which really means the harder you work at making her love you, the more it feels like a sales pitch.

What you're really asking for

I've had men tell me "I just want her to say I love you again."

I get that, I really do.

It's a normal thing to want, and there's nothing wrong with wanting it.

But look at what's inside that sentence.

You want a particular thing to come out of her mouth, on a particular schedule, and you're watching for it.

She can tell you're watching.

So every time she doesn't say it, she's failing a test she never agreed to take.

What it looks like from her side

A woman needs to feel safe before she can feel desire, that's just her nature.

And I mean emotional safety, being able to say what's on her mind without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

If she's spent years watching her words around you, then a sudden wave of effort doesn't read as love.

It reads as a man who just found out the rules changed.

She may even be a little afraid to believe it, because if she lets herself hope and it fades in three weeks, that hurts more.

So she waits, and she watches the everyday you a lot more closely than the big moments.

What you can do

You can't make her fall in love.

You can become a man who's easier to fall in love with, and those are two different jobs.

So the work is being someone she can say anything to without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

And being steady whether she's warm or cold that day.

That's FOR her, and for you too.

What men try first and why it backfires

Okay, so the first move for most guys is to do everything at once.

They fix the garage, they plan the dinner, they read three books and start talking about "us" every night.

That's a lot of energy, and all of it is pointed at one result.

She feels the result you're after more than she feels the nice thing itself.

Then when she stays cool, you get hurt, and now she's looking after your mood on top of everything else.

That's the tug o war.

Nobody wins it, and the rope just gets tighter.

What I did

I sure didn't get this at first.

I thought I was pulling my wife towards me the whole time when I was really pushing her away.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

You'll hear "just give her space" and "buy her flowers" and "show her you've changed."

Space with no change in you is just distance.

Flowers with a hidden ask in them feel like a payment.

And "show her you've changed" turns into a performance she has to sit through and rate.

The only thing that holds up is how you actually are on an ordinary Wednesday, when nothing is being asked of her.

When she's cold and you want to quit

Now there will be days where you do everything calm and steady and she's still short with you.

That's the hardest part, because you were hoping the calm would pay off by Thursday.

But if it only works when she responds, then you're still wanting something FROM her.

The work counts more on the cold days, when nobody is clapping.

And a woman notices which man shows up the same on both kinds of days.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you she falls back in love.

Some wives do when home starts feeling different, and some have closed that door.

You don't get to control that part, and I know that's the hardest thing to hear.

One thing to do tonight

So I want you to right now write down what you've done for her this month.

Actually make two columns.

On the left side write down each thing.

On the right side write down what you were hoping to get back for it.

Keep reading

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Also: How to get my wife back emotionally after hurting her.