My wife has fallen out of love with me. Now what?

The first few days

Okay, so the first few days you're going to want to do something big.

Please don't.

The worst thing a guy can do is act frantic.

Don't call her family, don't post about it, don't sit her down for a three hour talk.

Eat, sleep, go to work, be a dad.

That sounds like nothing, and it's harder than it sounds.

Your head will want to replay every night of the last year and look for the one thing that did it.

Let it run if it has to, but don't carry it to her.

What it's like on her side

Now I can't speak for your wife, but I can tell you how this tends to go.

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel closeness or desire, that's just her nature.

When that's been missing, she doesn't wake up one day and stop loving you.

She spends a long time hoping it'll change, and she says it in small ways you may not have heard.

By the time she says the words out loud, she's usually been carrying it for a while.

So when you're shocked, remember she may have been living with it for a long time.

That doesn't mean you did something wrong tonight.

It means you're just getting the news now.

The moves that backfire

Now most guys pick one of these.

They beg, they bargain ("just give me six months"), or they get angry and bring up everything they've done for her.

Each one asks her to take care of how you feel.

And she just told you she's empty.

I've had men tell me they said "I love you" on a Tuesday night and got nothing back.

So they said it louder the next night, and then the next.

Every time, she had to decide what to do with a feeling she didn't have, and that costs her something.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

You'll hear "give her space," "go no contact" and "make her miss you."

Those come from the idea that you can move her with the right play.

That's the tug o war, where you pull and she pulls back, and nobody wins it.

If you vanish or go cold to make a point, she just sees a man who withdraws when things get hard.

And if you hover, she sees a man who needs her to be okay before he can be okay.

Either way she's the one holding the rope.

Where to put your effort

You see, the only place effort works right now is on you.

Look at how you react when she's cold, how you listen, and whether she can finish a sentence without you correcting it.

Women look at men as leaders, and a man who can stay steady through this is showing her something she may not have seen from him in a long time.

What steady looks like

Steady is saying good morning and meaning it.

It's keeping your word on small things, and letting a sharp comment go by without a comeback.

None of it is aimed at getting a reaction from her.

It also means you stop checking her face for the verdict.

She can feel that check, and it turns every room into a test.

Moving out, money and the kids are big decisions with legal sides, so talk to a family lawyer in your state before you do anything about any of them.

And if you ever catch yourself thinking about hurting yourself, please see a licensed professional that same day.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you this brings her feelings back.

It may, and it may be that she's already past that point.

You'll be in better shape either way, and so will your kids.

One thing to do tonight

So write down the three things you most want to say to her right now.

Then don't say them for a week.

Read the list again after that and see how many still need saying.

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Also: My wife is pulling away from me.