My wife is pulling away from me

Why she pulls back

Okay, so a wife pulling away is usually protecting herself from something.

Sometimes it's criticism, sometimes it's being brushed off, sometimes it's just being tired of asking.

Normally there is a slow burn and a cut somewhere behind it.

Something she brought up that got laughed off or argued down, and it never got dealt with.

So she takes one step back, and when nothing changes she takes another.

The chase

Now here's what most of us do when we feel her pull away.

We lean in harder.

We text more, ask "are we okay?" more, reach for her more.

I sure did.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

It's like a tug o war, and the harder you pull the harder she digs in.

What it looks like from her side

To you, checking in is caring.

To her it can feel like being watched and waited on.

Every "what's wrong?" is another thing she has to answer when she'd like to be left alone with her own head for a minute.

Which really means your worry has turned into pressure, and pressure is what she's backing away from.

The small moments

Now the pulling away shows up in places that look like nothing.

You come home and she's already on the couch with her phone angled away.

You sit down next to her and she gets up for water.

You put your hand on her back and she shifts, just a little.

Those moments are tiny and you could never explain them to anybody.

But you feel every one of them, and so does she.

One man told my team that every time he walked by her, he'd give her a hug.

That's a man who loves his wife.

And it's also a man asking her, a dozen times a day, to be okay with him.

She can't always be, so each hug becomes one more thing she has to get through.

That's the whole tug o war in one small habit.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

You'll hear "happy wife, happy life", and you'll hear "just give her space".

The first one treats her like a mood you can fix with the right move.

The second one sounds calm and often turns into you disappearing and waiting for her to come find you.

Neither one is about how safe she feels with you, and that's what she's pulling back from.

And a woman can tell the difference between a man giving her room and a man sulking in the next room.

What staying steady means

Staying steady means your mood doesn't depend on hers.

She's warm on Monday and you're a little lighter, she's cold on Wednesday and you're about the same.

You still say good morning, you still ask about her day, and then you let it go.

You don't need her answer to come out a certain way.

That's what she's watching for, whether she can be distant and still have you stay the same man.

Women look at men as leaders, and a leader isn't thrown by the weather in his own house.

It's slower than a grand plan, and it's the only thing she can actually trust.

I know that's not what you wanted to hear when you're hurting.

You want a move you can make today that gets a different look on her face by dinner.

But a move made for her face is wanting something FROM her, and she's already feeling that pull.

So the best use of your energy is on the man she's going to live with next month, and that part is entirely up to you.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you why your wife in particular is pulling away, I'd be guessing.

There may be things going on with her that have nothing to do with you.

I can only tell you that chasing has never made a woman feel closer to the man chasing her.

One thing to do tonight

So I want you to right now write down where you think you're putting pressure on your wife.

Actually make two columns.

On the left side write down where you can see the pressure.

On the right side write down how you can shift it and focus on something you can do.

Keep reading

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Also: My wife wants space, should I text her?.