Walkaway wife syndrome: how to fix what you can

Where the term comes from

The idea is widely credited to Michele Weiner-Davis, the therapist who wrote The Divorce Remedy.

It's a name for a pattern and has nothing to do with a medical diagnosis.

The pattern goes like this.

A wife asks for more closeness for years, the husband hears nagging, she finally goes quiet, he thinks things got better, and then she tells him she's leaving.

He says he never saw it coming, and she says she's been telling him the whole time.

Why it catches men off guard

Now most guys measure a marriage by how much fighting there is.

So when she stops complaining, we relax.

But that quiet can be her making a plan.

Which really means the calmest stretch of your marriage may have been the most dangerous one.

The part you can't fix

I'm going to be real with you.

You can't fix her decision, and you can't fix the years behind it.

Anybody who tells you there's a script that turns a walkaway wife around is selling you something.

The part you can

What's yours is how safe it is to talk to you today.

Can she say something hard without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying?

And when she's cold for a week, do you stay steady or act frantic?

That's where a man starts.

And honestly it's worth doing no matter what she decides, because your kids and the next ten years of your life get that man too.

What the years before looked like from her side

Now the story usually starts a long way back.

When she asked for more time together, it got called nagging.

And when she asked you to listen, she got a fix or a defense.

Then came the times she asked for help, and she got it for a week.

Every time she did that she was hoping, and every time it went nowhere she put a little more of herself away.

So when you finally see her go quiet, she has already done most of her leaving.

Her body is still in the house, and the part that used to care what you thought has gone somewhere else.

That's why it can feel so cold when it finally comes out.

She's not angry anymore, she's finished.

A lot of men only realize later how many times she'd said it in plain words.

Looking back, a lot of those moments are easy to see.

At the time they sounded like a bad mood, or a long day, or something that would pass.

That's not a knock on you, because most of us were taught to fix problems and not to hear them.

But it does mean the warning signs were there, and the next ones will be too if you learn to read them.

What men try first

Most men go straight to the big stuff.

Flowers, a trip, a long letter, a counselor booked for Thursday.

A lot of guys have read the books, done the therapy and made the promises, and it still doesn't seem like enough.

I get that, and I'd have done the same.

But all that effort is pointed at her, and a woman who has been disappointed for years reads a sudden big push as a man who's scared of losing her.

That can make her pull back more, because now she's carrying your fear on top of her own.

Why the word "fix" bothers me

You typed "fix" because you want something to do, and I understand that.

But a marriage doesn't fix like a faucet.

The part that can change is you, in how you listen and how you stay when it's uncomfortable, and that part is slow.

Anyone selling you a weekend that turns her around is guessing.

I can't promise you a result, and neither can they.

If she's already talking to a lawyer, or money and the kids are on the table, talk to a family lawyer in your state before you make a move.

One thing to do tonight

So I want you to write down three times she tried to tell you something was wrong.

Under each one write what you heard back then.

Then write what you think she was really saying.

Keep reading

Back to My wife has checked out.

Next: My wife says she is done with me and My wife has emotionally checked out.

Also: I ignored my wife's warnings for years.