I bought my wife flowers and she doesn't care

What the gesture was really asking

Okay, so a gift is a fine thing to give.

But look at what you were hoping for when you handed it over.

You wanted her to smile, to soften, to say "you didn't have to do that".

And you hoped for a sign that the marriage was moving the right way.

Which really means the flowers came with a question attached, and the question was "are we okay now?"

That's wanting something FROM her.

And she feels the hook, even when it's wrapped in paper with a nice card on top.

What it feels like from her side

Now put yourself where she's standing.

She's been quiet or cold for a while, and she's low on whatever she'd need to be warm.

Then a man walks in with a bouquet and a look on his face like he's waiting for a grade.

If she smiles, she's agreeing that everything is fine.

But if she doesn't, she's the one who ruined a nice moment.

Either way she's got a job to do, and the job is taking care of your feelings.

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you.

Flowers can't make her feel safe, because safety comes from how you act on a regular Tuesday when she says something hard.

The big trip that flopped

One man told my team that the big elaborate getaway he took his wife on for their anniversary flopped.

I'd bet the planning came from love.

But look at what a trip like that sets up.

Two people in a small space with a lot of expectation riding on it.

You've spent the money and the hope, and she can feel all of it sitting on her mood.

So she gets quieter, and then you get hurt, and now the weekend is a test she's failing.

That's a lot to put on one anniversary.

Why the usual advice fails

You'll hear "buy her flowers" and "happy wife, happy life" and "just do more".

All of it treats her like a machine where the right input gets a smile.

And some women don't care about gifts at all, so a man can spend years buying them and never once hit what she needed.

Another man told my team that he tried the roses and the flowers, and he learned that the more you squeeze, the more she resists and pulls away.

That's the tug o war again.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

What changes when it's for her

Here's a way to see the difference.

A gesture FOR her is something you'd do even if she never reacted.

You pick up her favorite thing because you thought of her at the store, and you set it on the counter and go on with your night.

No card with a speech and no standing there watching her face.

If she says thanks, great, and if she doesn't, your face stays the same.

That's hard.

Most of us spent years giving things for a reaction.

And a woman can feel which kind she's getting, usually before you've set it down.

What to look at first

So before the next gift, look at how safe it is to talk to you.

When she says something small and sharp, do you defend yourself, explain, or fix it?

When she's cold for a day, do you sulk or do you keep being the same man?

Those are the places where she decides how close to come.

And honestly they cost nothing, which is the part most guys find annoying.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you she warms up when you stop.

And the flowers weren't a crime either, because some women love them.

Whatever she does with any of this is hers, and nobody can promise it.

You're the best judge of why you bought them.

One thing to do tonight

So I want you to think about the last thing you gave her that she didn't respond to.

Write down what you were hoping she'd do.

Then write down what you did when she didn't do it.

Keep reading

Back to My wife has checked out.

Next: My wife has emotionally checked out and My wife is pulling away from me.

Also: I provide for my family and it's not enough for my wife.