My wife says she is done with me

What "done" usually means

Okay, so most of the time "done" means she's done trying to get through to you.

For years she said things like "you don't listen" or "I feel alone in this".

Each time it went nowhere she pulled back a little more.

So "I'm done" is normally the last thing on a long list, and you only heard the last one.

The two reactions

Now most guys do one of two things in the first week.

They argue with it ("you don't mean that", "think about the kids"), or they promise her a brand new man by Monday.

To your wife the first one is you telling her what she feels.

And the second one looks like the two week version of you she's already seen.

What she's watching for

You see, she isn't going to tell you what she needs right now, because she already did.

What she can still do is notice.

She notices if you get defensive when she says something sharp, and if you're calm on Tuesday and sulking by Thursday.

Women look at men as leaders, and a man who falls apart every time she's cold is hard to feel safe around.

What it took for her to say it

Okay, so think about what it costs a woman to say "I'm done" out loud.

She knows how you react when she's upset.

You might get defensive, or sad, or loud, and she knows it.

So she has probably said it in her head a hundred times, in the car, in the shower, folding laundry.

By the time it comes out of her mouth the feeling is old.

That's why she can say it so calm.

The crying happened a long time ago, somewhere you couldn't see it.

A lot of guys thought she was fine right up until that moment.

She was fine at being quiet, which is a different thing from being fine.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

You've probably heard "just give her space" or "fight for her".

Both sound good and both miss something.

Space that comes with you sulking in the garage is just you going away, and she's seen that man before.

Fighting for her usually turns into a campaign, with you reading her face every morning to see if you're winning.

She can feel that she's being scored.

Now what she can actually use is a man who stays the same size whether she's warm or cold.

That's a lot less exciting than a big speech, and it's a lot harder to do.

And honestly most of us have never practiced it, because we always had something to say back.

The week after she says it

The days after are strange.

She might be a little lighter, because she finally said it out loud.

You might be a wreck.

You check your phone ten times and watch the way she puts her keys down.

You rehearse what you'll say when she walks in.

Here's what I'd watch for in yourself.

Every time you rehearse a speech, you're getting ready to ask her for something.

Reassurance, a reply, a sign that she heard you.

And she has nothing to hand you right now.

That's the pressure she's pulling away from, even when it's quiet and polite.

So the work this week is keeping your own head in order so she doesn't have to do it for you.

That can mean leaning on a friend, a pastor or a counselor for the scared part, so your wife isn't the only place it goes.

If the word "done" came with talk of moving out, money or the kids, that's a lawyer's question, so call a family lawyer in your state before you decide anything.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you she changes her mind.

Some women say "done" and stay for years, and some are already talking to a lawyer.

Either way, the man she lives with this month is up to you.

One thing to do tonight

So what I want you to do is write down what she said right before "I'm done".

Then write down what you said back.

Read your half out loud and ask yourself how it sounded from where she was standing.

Keep reading

Back to My wife has checked out.

Next: My wife has emotionally checked out and What to do when your wife gives up on you.

Also: What to say to your wife when she wants to leave you.