What to do when your wife gives up on you

What giving up looks like from her side

You see, hope is expensive.

Every time she asked for something and believed it might change, she paid for it when it didn't.

So at some point she quit asking, and it had more to do with protecting herself than with punishing you.

To you it may have felt like things got easier at home.

To her that was the day she quit counting on you.

The mistake after you notice

Now when a man finally sees it, he wants to prove her wrong by Friday.

He does everything she ever asked for all at once.

And honestly I get why.

But she's seen you try hard for two weeks before, so a burst of effort looks like more of the same to her.

She's waiting to see what you're like in week six, when nobody is clapping for you.

Where you start

Okay, so start with why you're doing it.

If you're doing the dishes so she'll soften, that's wanting something FROM her.

Doing them because you live there too is FOR her, and for you.

She can feel the difference.

Women look at men as leaders, and a leader doesn't need a thank you for every single thing he does at home.

What it was like before she stopped

Okay, so picture the early years of her asking.

First it was "can you come to this with me", and you said maybe, and then you didn't.

Then it was "I need help with the kids at night", and you did it for a week.

And after that it was "I'd like you to ask me how I'm doing", and you did, twice, and then forgot.

None of that looks like a crime from where you stood.

You had work and stress and a hundred reasons.

But every one of those was a small bet of hope on her end, and every bet that fell through cost her.

So she did the math the way people do.

Asking costs more than not asking, so she quit asking.

Why the grand effort backfires

I've had men tell me they do everything for their wife and it still doesn't seem to be enough.

That makes sense to me.

When a man does a lot all at once, what she sees is a man who's scared.

And it's hard to feel safe around a scared man, even when he's being kind.

Every favor, card and gift also comes with a quiet question attached, which is "is it working?"

She can hear that question even when nobody says it.

How you'll know the reason is off

Here's a check you can run on yourself.

When you do something nice and she doesn't react, what happens in your chest?

If you get a little irritated or hurt, the thing was a payment and you were waiting on the receipt.

But if you shrug and go on with your night, it was yours.

Nobody passes that test every day.

But the man who knows where he stands on it is a lot steadier, and steady is what she's been missing.

And it doesn't depend on her coming back around, which is why it's worth building either way.

What the small stuff tells her

She doesn't need a big moment from you.

She's watching the ordinary ones.

She sees whether you follow through on the thing you said you'd do on Saturday.

And if you lose your temper about the dishwasher, that goes in the pile too.

She also sees if you ask about her week and actually wait for the answer.

Each of those is a small piece of evidence, and she's been collecting it for a long time.

So you won't talk her out of the old pile, you can only add new pieces to it, one boring day after another.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you she starts hoping again.

That part belongs to her.

Your part is being steady long enough that you'd keep it up even if she never said a word about it.

One thing to do tonight

So write down the one thing she asked for the most over the years.

You know what it is.

Then write down what you told yourself every time you didn't do it.

Keep reading

Back to My wife has checked out.

Next: My wife says she is done with me and Walkaway wife syndrome, how to fix it.

Also: I ignored my wife's warnings for years.