My wife wants space. Should I text her?

The texts most men send

Things like the check-in ("just making sure you're okay"), the long apology at 11pm, the memory ("remember this place?") and the one about the kids that's really about the two of you.

To you those are a man fighting for his marriage.

But look at what each one asks her to do.

Answer, reassure you, feel something, or decide something tonight.

That's wanting something FROM her, and she asked for space from exactly that.

What a text feels like on her end

Now picture her phone lighting up on the counter.

Before she even reads it her stomach already knows who it is, and she has to decide whether she has the energy to deal with it.

And that's the whole problem, because a woman who needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you is not going to get there by being on call.

A lot of guys send one sweet text, get nothing back, and then send four more to fix it.

So now she's got five messages to carry instead of one.

And then the other guy

The other guy reads that and goes silent.

No texts at all, short answers, cold on the logistics (and he's secretly hoping she notices and misses him).

That's still about getting a reaction out of her, he's just using silence to do it.

She can tell the difference between a man who's quiet because he's steady and a man who's quiet because he's punishing her.

Why "don't text her" and "text her" are both too simple

Most of the advice out there picks a side.

Go no contact, let her miss you, or stay in touch so she knows you care.

Both of those are about getting something to happen.

The one thing that tells you more than a rule is what's going on inside you when you pick up the phone.

The one question to ask before you hit send

Is this FOR her, or do I want something FROM her?

If you'd be checking your phone every five minutes for the reply, you have your answer.

You see, the worst thing a guy can do is act frantic in any situation.

A text sent because you can't sit with the quiet is frantic, however calm the words look.

The small moments after you send it

Now think about what you do in the ten minutes after a text goes out.

You flip the phone over and then you flip it back, and you check to see if it says delivered or read.

That little dance is where you can see what the text was really for.

If the reply doesn't come and your whole evening goes sideways, the text was a request, however sweet it sounded.

And she'll feel the weight of that the next time she sees your name come up, because women pick up on a man's mood from a lot further away than he thinks.

Maybe you already know you're texting too much and you can't stop.

Knowing it is the first step, because the urge is just you being scared and it has nothing to do with her.

So the work is learning to sit with the urge without handing it to her.

When she texts you first

Sometimes she's the one who reaches out, maybe about the kids, maybe a random comment about the weather.

Most men pounce on it like it's a sign and send back three paragraphs.

Keep it the size she sent it.

She gave you a small thing, and a big answer tells her that small things aren't safe with you.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you "text her" or "don't text her" for your house, I don't know your wife.

Plain everyday stuff (the kids, the bills, who's picking up what) is just life and it has to keep moving.

It's the texts that need her to make you feel better that add the pressure.

And I can't promise that any text, or any silence, changes what she decides.

One thing to do tonight

So what I want you to do today is scroll back through the last ten texts you sent her.

Next to each one write FOR or FROM.

That count will tell you more than I can.

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Next: My wife wants space, how long should I give her? and Should I talk to my wife during separation?.

Also: What not to do when your wife wants a divorce.