My wife wants space. How long should I give her?

Why counting the days backfires

You see, the moment you pick a number you start a clock.

And every day on that clock you're looking at her to see if she's any closer.

She can feel that from a mile away.

So to her nothing changed, you just got quieter about wanting something FROM her.

Which really means she asked for a break from the pressure and got a countdown.

What it looks like from her side

Now a woman needs to feel emotionally safe with a man before she can feel anything else for him.

That's just her nature, and it comes first, before the attraction and before the warmth.

So when she asks for space, a lot of the time she's saying she doesn't feel safe enough in the house to feel anything at all.

And she can't get to safe while she's being watched.

Every time she walks into the kitchen and you look up to see what mood she's in, that's a little more pressure on a woman who already asked for less.

A lot of guys give her space and she gets colder, and usually what they did all week was stay in the room and wait.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

"Just give her space" sounds like the mature thing to do.

But most men hear that as go quiet, stay out of the way and wait for her to come around.

That's still a man standing there wanting something, he just stopped talking about it.

She isn't fooled by it, because a woman who's pulling away is paying very close attention to what you do when nobody's saying anything.

The question underneath it

Now look, when the spark goes most men ask how to get it back.

The better question is what happened in the first place to lose it.

Same thing here.

"How long" is a question about her.

"What is she getting a break from" is a question about you, and it's the only one of the two you can do anything with.

I thought I was pulling my wife towards me the whole time when I was really pushing her away, so I know how hard that one is to look at.

So how long?

As long as it takes for her to feel a different man in the house (or on the phone, if she's already left).

I can't give you a date for that and nobody honest can.

What I can tell you is a man who stops counting is a lot easier to be around than a man who's on day 19.

And that comes down to staying steady, which means you're the same on a day she's warm as you are on a day she walks past you like you're furniture.

That's the part that takes time, and it has nothing to do with how many days are on the calendar.

The small moments at home

Here's where it shows up, and it's never in the big talks.

It's you hovering when she opens the fridge, or asking "everything okay?" for the third time before dinner.

And then there's the extra helpful dishes, done so she'll notice.

A lot of guys feel like they're doing everything right while she still pulls away, and when you look closer, everything they did was a way of asking her for something.

She asked for a break and the break never came, because the pressure just changed clothes.

So the time you give her only counts when you're actually not asking, and a man who isn't asking looks pretty different from one who's being quiet on purpose.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you she's coming back, or that space will lead anywhere.

I don't know your wife and I can't promise what she does.

What I can say is the man who's doing the work is in a better place whatever she decides.

One thing to do tonight

So what I want you to do today is write down what you think she'd say she needs a break from.

Her words, the way she'd say it to her sister or her best friend.

Then leave it on the page.

Keep reading

Back to My wife wants space.

Next: My wife wants space, should I text her? and Signs your wife wants to reconcile after separation.

Also: My wife is pulling away from me.