How to get my wife back emotionally after hurting her

Why the apology didn't work

Now most guys apologize and then wait for things to go back to normal.

And when they don't, we get frustrated.

"I said I was sorry, what else does she want?"

You see, an apology deals with what happened.

What she's still carrying is whether it's going to happen again.

Normally there is a cut, and at the core of every cut is an emotional infection that without proper treatment builds up, getting worse over time.

Saying sorry doesn't clean that out.

What she needs first

What she needs before she can be close to you is to feel safe.

And I mean emotional safety, her being able to tell you how much it hurt without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

That's hard, because when she brings it up again you want to say "we already talked about this".

To her, getting to say it and have you stay calm is the whole point.

Hearing it all the way

Most men stay surface level and parrot back what she's saying.

"I hear that you're upset."

She can tell when you're doing that.

True active listening goes deeper, and it means letting her finish even when what she's saying makes you look bad.

What it looks like from her side

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you.

And right now your wife isn't sure you're safe.

So she gets quiet, her answers get short, and "fine" starts doing a lot of work.

That wall is how she keeps the hurt from happening twice, and she built it before she ever thought about punishing you.

Most women don't want the wall, they just don't have a safer option yet.

If she took it down tonight and you got defensive tomorrow, she'd be right back where she started and a little more worn out.

So she waits, and she watches what you do when she's not being nice.

What men try first

Most guys apologize again, and this time they add the reason.

"I was stressed, work was crazy, I didn't mean it."

To you that's honesty, but to her the reason sounds like a defense, and now she's the one managing your feelings about your own mistake.

Then there's the big gesture, the trip, the dinner, the flowers, as if one great day can pay for years of small ones.

And some men push for a hug or a good night kiss as proof that things are okay again.

That's wanting something FROM her, and it asks her to act closer than she feels.

The small moments at home

This is where it shows up.

You walk in and she stiffens a little.

You touch her shoulder and she goes still.

You ask how her day was and you get one word.

She changes the subject the second it gets near the real thing.

A lot of guys can feel the wall every day and have no idea how to get through it.

Those moments are information, and you don't have to fix any of them.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

Now you'll hear "happy wife happy life" and "just give her time".

Keeping her happy is you managing her mood so you can feel better, and she knows it.

Time by itself does nothing, because a cut that never gets cleaned keeps going while you wait.

Time with you steady inside it is a different story, because over months she sees whether the man who hurt her shows up again.

The hard part is that you don't get to rush her through it.

And the harder you push for a sign that it's working, the more she has to pull back to protect herself.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you how many times she'll need to bring it up, or that the wall comes down.

And if what happened was you being physical with her or scaring her, that's a safety issue, and it needs professional help before anything on this page.

One thing to do tonight

So write down what you did, in one sentence, with no reason attached.

Then write down what you think it was like to be her that day.

Keep that second part where you can read it again.

Keep reading

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