I emotionally neglected my wife

What it looks like

Okay, so emotional neglect is mostly things that didn't happen.

You didn't ask how she was really doing.

When she was upset you fixed it, or changed the subject, or went to the garage.

You were on your phone while she talked, and you forgot what she told you last week.

None of it would make a story she could tell her friends, and that's what makes it so lonely for her.

Why good men do it

You see, most of us learned that feelings get handled by getting busy.

Work harder, fix the car, coach the team.

So when she came to us with something that couldn't be fixed, we didn't know what to do with our hands.

And honestly a lot of us never saw our own dads do it either.

We covered the provide and protect part and figured the rest would take care of itself.

What it cost her

Years of that taught her that she couldn't bring you what was on her mind.

So she took it to her sister, her friends, or nobody.

Which really means she built a whole inner life you aren't in.

When she says she feels like roommates, that's what she's talking about.

What it looks like from her side

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you.

Safe means she can say what's on her mind and know it'll matter to you.

When she can't, she gets lonely in a full house.

She's still cooking dinner, still sitting next to you on the couch, still showing up at the school thing.

But the part of her that wanted to be known by you went somewhere else.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

What men try first

Okay, so once a man gets it, he usually tries to be romantic.

A date night, a card, a weekend away.

Then he asks her "what do you want from me?" and waits for a list.

That question hands her the job of managing his learning, and she's tired of managing.

Wanting her to say you're doing better is wanting something FROM her.

Being interested in her because she's worth knowing is wanting something FOR her, and it has no deadline on it.

The small moments at home

You ask how her day was and she says "fine", and you take it.

She starts telling you about her sister and you've already picked your phone back up.

She says she's dreading Thursday and on Thursday you don't remember why.

A lot of wives stop telling their husband things long before he notices.

That's the way it works, because nothing dramatic happens when she quits.

She just goes quiet in a room where you're sitting.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

Now "communicate more" sounds helpful, but talking more at her is just more of you.

"Date night" can be a nice thing, and across the table from a wife who doesn't feel heard it's two people looking at menus.

What she's missing happens in the middle of a regular Tuesday, when she says something small and you actually stay with it.

Where it starts to change

It starts with being interested in her again.

I'm talking about what she thinks, what's worrying her, what she'd do if money didn't matter.

And then listening to the answer without fixing it or making it about you.

She may test you with something small first, to see if you stay with it.

If you do, she may try a slightly bigger one the next week.

That's how a woman lets someone back in, a little at a time, and she decides the pace.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you she lets you back into that inner life.

She may be guarded for a long time, and she's earned that.

One thing to do tonight

So write down five things you don't know about your wife's life right now.

Who she's worried about, what she's reading, what she's dreading this month.

Then get curious about one of them this week.

Keep reading

Back to I neglected her, is it too late?.

Next: I ignored my wife's warnings for years and I took my wife for granted and she left me.

Also: My wife says she feels alone.