My wife took off her wedding ring

Why the ring feels like a verdict

Okay, so a ring is the one object in the house that's supposed to say where you stand.

When it's gone, your mind makes it say something.

And most men go straight to the worst reading, or they grab the best one and hold on.

Either way you're treating a piece of jewelry like a judge's ruling.

I'm going to be real, I can't tell you what it means.

A ring can come off for a hundred reasons, and I can't see which one is in your house.

I'm not going to tell you it's the end, and I'm not going to tell you it's nothing.

Both of those would be me guessing, and you deserve better.

What men do with it

Here's what I see happen.

A man spots the missing ring and starts asking.

"Where's your ring?"

"Why aren't you wearing it?"

"Did something happen?"

And she says she takes it off for work, or she forgets it, or she says nothing.

I've had men tell me she says she forgets it because she takes it off for work, and he can't tell if that's the truth.

So he asks again.

You see, every question about the ring is a question about the whole marriage wearing a disguise.

She knows it, and now she has to defend a small thing that was never a small thing.

From her side

Now a woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you.

If she doesn't feel safe, the ring can feel heavy.

Or she may just not know what she wants right now and not want to say something she can't take back.

I can't tell you which one it is.

What I can tell you is what your questions feel like to her.

They feel like being watched, and being watched is pressure.

It's you wanting something FROM her, an explanation, when what would help her is room to stop explaining.

She isn't going to feel safer because she got cross-examined about jewelry.

What I did when I was in it

I remember when my wife said she wasn't attracted to me any more and wasn't in love with me I felt like a ghost floating from thing to thing week after week.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

The watching felt like love to me, and to her it was one more thing she had to manage.

The small stuff at home

This stuff gets loud in your head.

One man told my team she stopped wearing her ring, and he tried taking his off and couldn't do it.

That one stays with me, because it shows how much we put on these things.

And it's easy to start measuring everything else, like the pictures on the wall or which side of the bed she's on.

You check the ring when she's at the sink, and you check it again when she picks up her phone.

Meanwhile your wife can feel you looking at her hand.

That's a lot for her to carry while she's trying to work out her own stuff.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

Some folks tell you to confront her, get it out in the open.

Others say give her space and don't mention it.

Neither one is about the ring.

What's under it is whether she's safe to be honest around you.

If she is, she may tell you something on her own, and if she isn't, no question about a ring is going to get it out of her.

So the work is on how you show up, and it doesn't depend on the ring coming back.

If this is part of a talk about separating, or moving out, or who pays what, talk to a lawyer in your state before you decide anything.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you what the ring means.

Whether she puts it back on or leaves it off is out of my sight.

All I can tell you is that you don't have to settle it tonight.

One thing to do tonight

So the next time you feel your eyes go to her hand, stop and write down what you were scared of in that second.

Don't ask her about it, and don't bring it up this week.

Just put the fear on paper, because that's yours to work on.

Keep reading

Back to Is my marriage over?.

Next: Is my marriage over or just in a rut? and My wife doesn't know what she wants.

Also: My wife says she is done with me.