How do I know if I can save my marriage?

What you can't know

You can't know what she'll decide.

I can't either, and neither can the guy on YouTube with the list of signs.

It takes two to stay married, and half of that is out of your hands.

I know that's a hard thing to read.

What you can know

You can know whether you've done your part yet.

Most men who ask this question haven't, and I say that with respect, because I hadn't either.

I thought I was pulling my wife towards me the whole time when I was really pushing her away.

So ask yourself a few things.

Can she say something hard to you without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying?

Have you stopped putting pressure on her, or do you still watch her for signs?

And are you the same man on her cold days as on her warm ones?

If the answers are no, then you don't know yet what your marriage looks like with you at your best.

Why men want the guarantee

Now most guys want the guarantee so the effort feels safe.

"If I knew it would work, I'd do anything."

But effort with a guarantee attached is a trade, and she can feel a trade.

It's wanting something FROM her.

The work only counts to her when you'd do it anyway.

A better question

Okay, so try this one.

"Can I become a man I respect in this marriage, whatever she decides?"

That one you can answer yes to today.

What it looks like from her side

Now think about what she's been living with.

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel anything else for you, including hope.

So if you've been defensive or pushy or checked out for years, she isn't looking at the last two weeks of you trying.

She's looking at the pattern, and she's waiting to see if it comes back.

I've had men tell me they changed for a few days and then everything went back to normal, and they thought it was fine.

She remembers those days too, and she doesn't count the good ones as a promise.

That's why one great week doesn't answer your question for her, and it shouldn't answer it for you either.

What men try first

Okay, so the usual move is to prove it.

Send the long message about how things could be different, show her the studies, list everything you've changed.

And honestly it comes from love, because we want her to see us.

But it's a sales pitch, and a wife who's guarded hears a sales pitch as more of the thing she's tired of.

Others do more chores, buy the flowers, plan the date night.

Flowers and grand gestures are great when she feels safe, and when she doesn't they can read like pressure.

You see, "happy wife happy life" has the whole thing backwards.

It treats her mood as a problem for you to solve, when what she's asking for is for you to stop making things worse.

The small moments at home

You'll find the real answer in small things.

What do you do when she says something that stings?

Do you go quiet, or snap, or start explaining for ten minutes?

What happens in you when she comes home in a mood, and are you the same man on her cold days as on her warm ones?

I've had men tell me they follow her from room to room, or sit in the car a while before they come in.

Those are the moments where you're either showing her something new or showing her the same man.

Nobody else sees them, and she does.

The tug o war

There's one more thing I want to say about wanting to know.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

Needing to know if it can be saved is a pull, even when it's quiet.

She feels a rope in her hand, and the harder you need the answer, the more she wants to let go.

So the work is to put your end down, and that's hard because it feels like giving up when it's the opposite.

Now money, moving out and custody are their own questions, so if any of that is in play, talk to a lawyer in your state.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you your marriage can be saved.

I can tell you that you won't find out by waiting for a sign.

One thing to do tonight

So write down the three questions from this page and answer each one honestly.

Then write down the one you'd least want her to read.

Keep reading

Back to Is my marriage over?.

Next: Is my marriage over or just in a rut?.

Also: Can I save my marriage by myself?.