Can I save my marriage by myself?

The half you don't control

You don't control whether she stays, what she feels or how long she takes.

I'm going to be real, any page that tells you there's a way to do this alone that always works is lying to you.

So I won't.

The half you do

You control what it's like to live with you.

That's bigger than it sounds.

You see, a marriage is mostly a pile of small moments.

She says something sharp and you react, or you don't.

She comes home tired and you notice, or you're on your phone.

You're in every one of those moments, so when you change, half of each one changes.

What she's living with every day

Now think about what she actually experiences.

She doesn't read your intentions, she lives with your reactions.

If you get short with her, that's what her day was.

Or maybe you stopped and really listened, and then that was her day.

You see, she can't see the work you did in your head or the book you read on the couch.

She sees how you answered when she said something hard.

So when you work alone, that's the only place it can show up, in the small stuff she's living in.

And a woman who's been hurt a few times will wait a long while before she lets herself trust that it's real.

She's being careful with something she's already lost sleep over, and that's a long way from a verdict on you.

So your job is to keep showing up the same way while she waits, and to leave the timing to her.

I know that's the hard part, because you can't see a clock on it.

Why men quit too early

Now most guys try this for about two weeks.

They're patient, they help more, they hold their tongue.

Then she's still cold on day fifteen and they blow up.

"I've been trying so hard and you don't even care!"

And right there she learns the two weeks were a trade.

It was wanting something FROM her the whole time.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

What men try first

A lot of guys start doing everything at once.

More chores, more dates, more texts, more talks about the future.

It's a lot of effort, and she can feel the effort more than the care.

Because every bit of it comes with a little question stuck on the end, which is "do you see me now?"

That question is pressure, even when it's wrapped in a nice thing.

And the answer she'd give changes nothing for you, because you've made her the judge.

What it takes

It takes doing it with no clock on it.

Women look at men as leaders, and a leader keeps going when nobody's thanking him.

That doesn't mean being a doormat.

You can be kind and still have a spine.

And it means being okay with a quiet week where nothing seems to move.

Most of what changes in a woman changes below where you can see it.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

You'll hear that you should give her space until she comes to you.

Space can be right, but when it's you hiding from the discomfort it just looks like you left.

You'll hear that if you can't fix it alone you should walk away.

That's a call to make from a calm place, and for anything about leaving the house, money or the kids, talk to a lawyer in your state first.

You'll also hear that you can't do this without her.

You can't finish it without her, true.

But you can start, and the start is you.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you your marriage makes it.

I can tell you that you'll respect yourself more at the end of this than you would have if you'd spent it begging or fighting.

One thing to do tonight

So write down what you've been doing "for the marriage" this month.

Next to each one write whether you'd still do it if you knew she'd never mention it.

Keep reading

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Next: Can I save my marriage if my wife doesn't want to? and How can I fix my marriage by myself?.

Also: A book to save your marriage alone.