Why do I keep going back to my old ways with my wife?

What the slide looks like

I've had men tell me they'd change for a few days, and then she'd go back to normal, and so they figured everything was good.

Which is a strange thing to say out loud, when you hear it.

Because the whole time the change was something he was doing in order to get her to loosen up.

And once she loosened up a little, he took that as the finish line and stopped.

Then the old stuff crept back in, and she pulled away again.

Or the other way, where she didn't warm up at all, and by day twelve he was done.

Either way the change had a price tag on it, and she was supposed to pay.

Why it slides back

You see, that's wanting something FROM her.

The change was a trade, and trades end when the other side doesn't hold up their end.

If she warmed up, you got paid, so you stopped.

And if she stayed cold, nothing came back, so you quit.

Neither of those is a man changing.

It's a man doing a job for a tip.

And she can feel the difference even if she'd never say it.

Why you can't see it yourself

Now here's the hard part.

Most of us can't see our own patterns.

It's like trying to look at your own face without a mirror.

You know what you meant, so what you did feels fine from the inside.

Meanwhile your wife has watched the same moves for years, and she can almost call them before you make them.

So when you say "I've fixed that", you're judging yourself by how it felt to you, and she's judging by how it felt to live with.

Those two almost never match, and nobody's lying.

When she's in the room

One man told my team, "I know all the answers. I know the right things to do. I just can't execute them."

I think a lot of you know exactly what that feels like.

You can read, take notes, think it through, and feel calm and ready.

Then she's standing in the kitchen with that look and your body is running the show before you've decided anything.

You get defensive, or you start explaining, or you go quiet and cold.

It happens fast because it's old, and old things are quick.

So knowing it was never the problem.

Being steady while she's upset, with no way to get her to calm down, is a different skill than knowing about it.

What it looks like from her side

Now picture her.

She's seen a fresh start from you before, and she let herself hope a little each time.

Then the old way came back, and the hope had to go back in the box.

So the next time you change she doesn't light up.

She waits, and she watches, and part of her is waiting for the slide.

That can look like coldness from where you stand, and it's really a woman who can't afford another round of hope that falls through.

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe with you before she can feel anything else for you, and a man who comes and goes doesn't feel safe to lean on.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

You'll hear "just be consistent", like you didn't want to be.

Others say "try harder" and "build the habit" and "stay disciplined".

Some men burn hot for a week and then run out of gas, and trying harder is the same engine that ran out.

More effort aimed at a result you're waiting on only makes the crash bigger.

And a man who's white knuckling it is tense, and she picks up on tense faster than anything.

What's missing is usually not effort.

It's seeing the pattern the way she sees it, and knowing what you're really after when you change.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you that you'll stop sliding, or that she'll respond when you do.

She gets a vote, and I can't promise what she does with it.

I also can't see inside your house, so I don't know which of these is the biggest one for you.

And if the old ways include drinking, or a temper that scares her or the kids, talk to a licensed professional about that part.

One thing to do tonight

So think back to the last time you changed.

Write down how long it lasted, and what was going on with her on the day you stopped.

Don't fix anything yet.

Just look at what the change was waiting for.

Keep reading

Back to Can I save my marriage alone?.

Next: Can I save my marriage by myself? and How can I fix my marriage by myself?.

Also: My wife doesn't believe I've changed.