How can I fix my marriage by myself? Where to start

First, the pressure

Most men are putting pressure on their wife and don't know it.

The "are we okay?" texts, the sighing, the watching her face.

I did this.

I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.

It's like a tug o war, and you can drop your end of the rope any time you want.

And when you drop it, she doesn't have anything left to pull against.

That's the first place a husband's change starts to show, and it costs you nothing but the habit.

Second, how safe you are to talk to

You see, a woman needs to feel safe before she can feel anything else for you.

And I mean emotional safety, which is her being able to say what's on her mind without you getting defensive, over explaining or justifying.

So start watching what you do when she criticizes you.

That one moment is where a lot of marriages get decided, over and over, a hundred times a year.

If every time she brings something up she ends up managing your feelings, she learns to stop bringing things up.

And a wife who stops bringing things up looks calm from the outside, which is the part that fools us.

Third, how you carry yourself

The worst thing a guy can do is act frantic.

A man who's up when she's warm and crushed when she's cold is exhausting to live with.

Women look at men as leaders.

So work on being the same guy on a bad day as a good one.

Sleep, train, see your friends, keep your word.

She can't feel steady around a man whose mood depends on hers.

And you can't be steady if your whole day is built around whether she smiled at you.

What it looks like from her side

Now try to picture the three of these from where she sits.

She feels the pressure as being watched, and she feels the defensiveness as being unheard.

And the frantic part she feels as having to take care of you, on top of everything else she's already carrying.

None of that means she's a villain or you are.

It just means she's tired, and a tired person doesn't reach toward the thing that wears her out.

So when those three ease up, what she gets first is relief.

Warmth comes later, if it comes, and I can't say when.

What men try first

Most guys try talking about the marriage more, harder and longer.

And plenty of guys have read all the books and their wives still feel nothing different at home.

Knowing the right thing and being the right thing are two different places to stand.

The reading counts for something, but she can only feel what shows up in the house.

So watch for any plan where you do the work to get a result back from her.

That's the old tug o war coming in through a new door.

Why the usual advice doesn't fit

You'll hear "just be patient", and that sounds right.

But patience with a hidden clock on it is pressure, and she'll feel the clock.

Another one is "love her more", and most men are already loving her plenty, in ways she can't take in right now.

Then there's "be the man she married", which leaves you guessing at who that was.

None of it tells you what to look at, and that's why I point at these three.

What I'm leaving out

Now there's a lot more to each of these, and the order you do them in counts.

That's what I teach in the Emotional Layering Method (ELM), and a page like this can only point at it.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you that doing these three things fixes your marriage.

They fix your half of it, and what she does with that is hers.

One thing to do tonight

So pick one of the three.

Just one, the one that stung a little when you read it.

Write down what it looks like in your house on a normal Tuesday.

Keep reading

Back to Can I save my marriage alone?.

Next: Can I save my marriage if my wife doesn't want to? and Can I save my marriage by myself?.

Also: My wife says she doesn't feel emotionally safe.