You went, you sat on the couch, you did the homework, and nothing stuck.
Or it felt good for a few weeks and then you were back in the same fight in the same kitchen.
So you typed "marriage counseling didn't work" or "we tried counseling now what", and maybe "marriage counseling made things worse" at one in the morning.
I'm a coach and an author, not a licensed counselor, so weigh what I say with that in mind.
And I'm not going to tell you counseling is a waste, because for some couples it's a real help.
Why a good hour doesn't carry home
Okay, so one hour a week is small.
There are 168 hours in a week and the counselor gets one of them.
The other 167 are the dishes, the kids, the tone of voice at six in the evening, and who looks at their phone when she walks in.
One man told my team "we went to couples counseling. That worked for a bit. Things got better. And then fell into old patterns."
I hear that one a lot.
The hour went fine, and the week went the way weeks go.
Agreed in the room, not felt at home
A lot of what gets said in a counselor's office sounds like agreement.
You say you'll listen better, she says she'll tell you what she needs, and everybody nods.
But a woman doesn't decide how safe she feels around you from what got said on a couch.
She decides it from Tuesday night.
If the office version of you and the kitchen version of you are different guys, she'll go with the kitchen.
I've heard from a man whose wife stood up in the middle of a session and walked out, telling him he was right back to the way he was.
I can't tell you what was going on for her, and neither can he.
But that's what it looks like when the room and the house stop matching.
Why you may have gone
This one's hard to look at.
A lot of us walk into that room with a case.
We want the counselor to see what she does, and to say it to her face.
Some of us go to fix her, some go to prove a point, and some go so we can say we tried.
She feels that from the second you sit down.
And a counselor can only work with what's actually in the room.
When the early sessions are mostly your story
In a lot of counseling the first few sessions are spent telling your situation.
That's how it's built, because the counselor has to learn what's going on before anything else.
But if you're a few sessions in and still explaining, it's fair to ask what you're supposed to be doing differently at home this week.
A good counselor will have an answer for that.
If you never got one, that may be part of why it didn't hold.
When it made things worse
If counseling made things worse, that can happen, and I won't pretend it can't.
Sometimes the office is where the hardest things get said out loud with a stranger watching, and nobody is ready to carry that home.
Sometimes one person leaves feeling ganged up on.
That doesn't make counseling bad.
It may have been the wrong counselor, or the wrong time, or the wrong setup for the two of you.
Another counselor may be a better fit
Counselors are people, and a lot of this comes down to fit.
Someone who works with couples as their main work, and who you both feel heard by in the first session, is a different experience than someone who doesn't.
If you'd go back, you're allowed to look for that.
You can also go on your own, for you, and work on your side of the house.
What I can't tell you
I can't tell you what she'll do, or whether more counseling or less would help your marriage.
If there's abuse, addiction, serious depression or anyone at risk of harm, that's work for a licensed professional, and a coach is the wrong person for it.
And anything about moving out, money or custody, talk to a lawyer in your state.
One thing to do tonight
So write down what happened in the 24 hours after your last session.
Just what happened, no verdict.
Then look at whether that day looked like the room or like the week before.
Keep reading
Back to Counseling and coaching.
Next: My wife won't go to counseling and Marriage coaching for men.
Also: Marriage counseling books for men.
Remember it's NEVER too late,
Noah