My wife won't go to counseling. What now?

What her no usually means

Okay, so I can't speak for your wife.

What I hear a lot is a woman who expects counseling to be one more hour of explaining herself.

She's been explaining herself for years.

Or she expects the counselor to tell her to try harder, when she feels like she's the only one who has been.

And sometimes it's simpler, she doesn't believe you'll change, so why pay someone to watch?

You see, for a lot of women the room itself is the problem.

Going to counseling means saying out loud, in front of a stranger, that things are bad.

If she's already halfway out, that can feel like signing something.

So her no may have very little to do with you as a person and a lot to do with what that room asks of her.

Why pushing makes it worse

Now most guys keep asking.

They send her therapist profiles, they book a session and tell her about it, they say "if you cared you'd go".

To her that's pressure.

And it tells her that you still don't hear "no" when she says it.

Which is probably the thing she'd bring up in the first session anyway.

A lot of guys ask four, five, six times, and each time with a better reason.

Every new reason was one more thing she had to carry.

When you want something from her, even a good thing, she feels the weight of it.

Counseling turns into one more job she's supposed to do for you, and a woman who already feels like she's carrying the whole marriage doesn't say yes to another job.

Now the other advice you'll hear is to just give her space and wait it out.

Some guys try exactly that and she reads it as him checking out.

So pushing and going quiet can both go wrong.

What it looks like from her side

Here's what I think is going on for a lot of wives, and I'm not inside yours.

A woman needs to feel emotionally safe before she can feel much else for you.

Safe means she can say a hard thing and you stay steady.

You don't get loud, you don't go hurt and silent, you don't jump in to fix it, and you don't bring up what she did last month.

If she doesn't feel that at home, she isn't going to feel it in a counselor's office with you sitting next to her.

She may figure the office is the same fight with a referee.

So when she says no, she may be protecting the little bit of safety she has left.

That's worth hearing, even when it stings.

Where this shows up at home

Here's where it lives day to day.

You bring up counseling again at the sink, with a tone, and she goes quiet.

She says "we'll see" and goes upstairs.

You check your phone to see if she opened the link you sent her.

Each of those is a small moment where she learned that the counseling talk is also a pressure talk.

You can't take those back, but you can stop adding to them.

Asking once, plainly, and then really letting it go is a very different thing from asking once and hovering.

She can tell which one you're doing.

She's been reading your face for years.

What you can still do

You see, counseling was one way in, and there are others.

You can go by yourself, for you.

A good book read all the way through is another one.

Or you can work with a coach or a program built for one person.

What all three have in common is that none of them ask her for anything.

Going alone sounds like second best, and I get that.

But the part of the marriage you can actually change is the part you bring to it, and a counselor of your own, a coach or a book can all help you look at that.

Take what she said seriously

If she said "you're the one with the problem", don't fight it.

You don't have to agree that it's all you.

Just try "thanks I'll keep that in mind, and honestly thank you for the feedback."

Then go do something about your part.

What I can't tell you

I can't tell you she joins you later.

Some wives do once they see it's real, and I won't promise yours will.

One thing to do tonight

So write down what you were hoping the counselor would fix.

Then circle the parts of it that are yours.

Keep reading

Back to Counseling and coaching.

Next: Marriage coaching for men.

Also: My wife says it's over and won't go to counseling.