You typed "marriage coaching for men".
So you've probably figured out that she's not coming to counseling, or you'd just like to talk to a man about this.
I coach husbands, so I'll tell you what it is from the inside, including who shouldn't do it.
I'm a coach and an author, and I have something to sell, so weigh what I say with that in mind.
What it is
Coaching for men works with the husband only.
There's no couch for two.
A coach looks at what you're doing at home, how you react, how you listen, where you're putting pressure on her, and works with you on that.
Some coaching is one on one, some is in a group of men, and some is a course with calls.
The idea is that the husband is the one person in the marriage you can actually work on.
You can't make her change, and a coach who says otherwise is selling you something.
What a coach can do is point at things you can't see from inside your own house.
What it looks at
Okay, so the stuff that comes up most is pretty ordinary.
Wanting something from her versus wanting something for her.
Pressure, and how she feels it even when you think you're being nice.
Whether she feels emotionally safe around you, because I believe a woman has to feel that before she can feel anything warm for you.
And staying steady when she's upset, which is a lot harder than it sounds.
I teach it through the Emotional Layering Method (ELM), and ELM is about why these things matter so much to her.
You'll notice none of that is a line to say.
How it's different from counseling
A counselor is licensed and can treat things like depression, trauma and addiction.
A coach can't and shouldn't try.
Counseling usually wants both of you there.
Coaching was built for the guy who's doing this by himself.
What men try first and why it backfires
Most men who find a coach have already tried a lot.
One man told my team he was five books in, in therapy, and listening to endless podcasts.
Some bought flowers, some gave her the whole speech about how they've changed, and some begged.
Some went quiet and gave her space because somebody told them to.
All of it has the same hidden problem.
It's aimed at getting her to feel something, and she can feel the aim.
I realize now that I really was pushing my wife away the whole time when I thought I was pulling her towards me.
Where it shows up at home
It's small stuff.
How you say goodbye in the morning.
What your face does when she comes home tired.
Whether you ask about her day and start fixing before she's done.
A man can't see that from inside his own house, which is most of why people hire a coach.
There's a tug o war that happens, you pull, she pulls back, and each of you thinks the other one started it.
Who it fits
It fits the man whose wife is distant, angry or halfway out, and who's willing to look at himself.
That includes the guy who's read the books and still does the same thing at dinner.
You see, most of us can't see our own patterns.
A man outside your house can.
It also doesn't fit if you want it done to you.
A coach can point at things, and you're the one who has to do them at home on a Tuesday.
Who it doesn't fit
It doesn't fit you if what you want is a script to get her back, or if you're hoping the coach will agree that she's the problem.
And if there's violence, addiction or serious depression in the house, that's for a licensed professional.
What to ask before you pay
Okay, so ask any coach these.
What do you teach, and can I read or watch some of it first?
Do you work with men only?
What do you say to a man whose wife leaves anyway?
And if anybody guarantees you she'll come back, walk away.
Nobody can promise that, me included.
What I can't tell you
I can't tell you what your wife will do.
Coaching can change how you show up.
What she does with that is hers.
One thing to do tonight
So write down what you'd want a coach to help you see.
Start the sentence with "I keep".
Keep reading
Back to Counseling and coaching.
Next: My wife won't go to counseling.
Also: How can I fix my marriage by myself?.
Remember it's NEVER too late,
Noah